A 'say no' retreat: how one writer suggests reclaiming your time

Writer Caroline Sylge suggests setting aside a full day to review your calendar and turn down the commitments you have been dreading — an exercise she calls a "say no" retreat.

The idea appears in her book *How to Retreat: A Guide to Stepping Away from the Everyday to Find Space for Yourself*, published this spring, and was featured in NPR's Life Kit newsletter. Sylge has spent 30 years attending and organizing health and wellness retreats around the world, and developed the exercise to help people reclaim their time.

"We often say yes for reasons that have nothing to do with what's good for us, because we feel like we should, don't want to seem difficult or fear missing out," Sylge says. "Saying 'no' is uncomfortable, but is a brave act of self-respect."

How the day works

First, pick a date — which may mean taking time off work or moving other obligations — and find a comfortable place at home to reflect.

On waking, write a list of things you want to say no to. Start with anything obvious, such as coordinating a potluck for your book club or cooking an elaborate dish for a Saturday dinner party. Then eat breakfast and get outside, perhaps for a walk or bike ride, to think further.

Back in your retreat space, expand the list by scanning the coming weeks and months. Sylge advises looking at your digital calendar with notifications turned off, and reviewing requests, appointments, volunteer work, scheduled calls, work and social commitments, and memberships. Ask yourself whether anything you have planned fills you with dread, or whether any task you assigned yourself is unnecessary.

Taking action

After lunch, review the list and begin saying no. Sylge says you probably will not get to everything in one day, so start with a small, easy win — such as striking an unwanted chore off your to-do list entirely. Examples in the source include sitting through a time-consuming hair appointment, hosting a playdate, traveling to a husband's family for Thanksgiving, or moderating a panel for work.

The harder refusals involve people you care about or work with. Sylge suggests delaying your yes rather than declining outright — for example, "I'd love to, but can we plan it for a few weeks later?" — or proposing an alternative, such as ordering takeout instead of cooking for friends.

She calls this "crafting a kind decline," which she says "takes effort, but it saves time in the long run."

The piece was edited by Clare Marie Schneider.

Source: NPR News.